I feel compelled to tell the story I have from the Great North Run today.
After feeling the pain early on I decided to power-walk it instead. Not far after the 4 mile mark there was a little kid in an England shirt ran onto the course shouting 'Purpley!' and dived at me shouting 'Monster Cuddles!!'. He very quickly asked if I could carry him along for a little while, to which I agreed so long as his parents consented, they quickly agreed on the proviso that they could walk along with me.
At this point I picked him up with my remaining good arm after I'd knackered my left arm out at the gym. I also made sure to carry him near to the crowd so he could high-five a few people. All the way through he was announcing to anyone that would listen that I was Christian an I was his hero, every time he said that I told him that he was my hero too because he was making me feel awesome. When it got to the time to put him down (about 0.3 miles after I'd picked him up), he got a runners magazine from his Dad and asked for my autograph, naturally I signed it for him with the side note to always be awesome.
Thinking that was it I let him go back to his parents and started to continue my walk. His Mum caught up and told me that his name was Jermaine, and I'd just made his and his familys day, particularly as he's a huge fan of running. As the conversation continued on she mentioned that he was set to turn 8 on the 29th of this month, but isn't expected to hit 9, as he's got an aggresive form of lung cancer, she also made mention that a lot of people running for other Cancer charities (I was running for KidsCan), had ignored him when he'd even asked for a high 5, and that she thinks he'd approached me because I was wearing a Purple t-shirt and that's his favourite colour. I ended up getting a hug from his Mother, and made a promise that no matter how much it hurt I'd finish the race for Jermaine.
After that humbling experience I also made a silent promise to myself, no matter how much I wanted to cry I was going to wait till I crossed the finish line, and sure enough as soon as I saw Elaine I burst into tears, I know I'm not a celebrity or anything, but that 7 year old boy just saw people running a half marathon and thought we were all celebrities, so to know I made his day has made my day as well.
Jermaine - that one was for you.
Sunday 19 September 2010
Monday 9 August 2010
Improving..........
So, after a hiatus of 8 months, I now shock the world with a second blog in as many days - who'd have thunk it? What I will say is that I'll try and make this one a bit more light-hearted than the last one, but with how everything's going on at the minute in my life the big D is probably going to make an appearance - so lets get that one out of the way first shall we?
Depression
As I said yesterday - I'm in a part of my life where I'd say one of the biggest 'black clouds' has descended on me, many sleepless nights, time spent just feeling utterly helpless and yes a few tears have been shed. After sleeping a grand total of 3 hours last night I took my GP up on the offer of another week off work, even though I should be physically exhausted I'm not, but mentally I am, and in that sort of state I'm not going to be of any use there.
I did make a decision this morning however - I'm going to spend this week doing as many things I find fun as possible, this is probably meaning reading, going to the Gym, hunting down music that makes me smile (or at least realise I'm not on my own in this), catching up on DVD box-sets and spending time with friends, from now on in on this entry at least, I'll focus on all of those.
Recovery
I'm going to split this entry up into each of the bits I mentioned above, and see what we can come up with:
Reading
I've immersed myself in my graphic novels again, as well as reading Tokyo Year Zero by David Peace (he of The Damned United fame), and it has to be said I'm finding it very therapeutic, with normal novels I find it great to just imagine the world the authors created and putting your own face to the characters you're reading about, and I find it a lot easier to forget my troubles when I'm reading a book like that. Graphic Novels-wise well its a lot easier, I may be turning 31 soon but I don't class myself as fully grown up yet, graphic novels are my main link to my childhood when it was all an easier time, at the minute its the Runaways and Scott Pilgrim providing that link, and for that I'm thankful.
Going to the Gym
Any frustrations I have with the world are easily killed by a visit to the gym, get me on the weight machines with my ipod blasting out some angry music and I'm away. I do have a confession to make however, its been a long time since I've been to the gym which for some random bloke in the street is fine but in 6 and a half weeks I'll be entering the Great North Run (sponsor me!), its going to be knackering so I need to get my ass going again, but an hours workout this morning felt great, so I think we'll be back for another go tomorrow!
Hunting down music
Rather than explain why music in general is good I'm going to post a few youtube links followed with comments on why I feel they're helping me, so here goes nothing:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oMLCrzy9TEs - I had a bit of a nasty end to 2007 and the first song in 2008 that really made me smile was this one, and it still does today.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AQHv-fhHq9Y - listen to the comments people are making in the background and then just the general feel of the song, this is the one that makes me realise I'm not alone in all of this, this is helped by the fact I fecking love 30 Secons to Mars
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MHkj804LCl0 - 90's cheese, made awesome by one poker night and singing it loud at 1am with my mate Paul, you can't ask for much more than that.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ic-Na--7_NI - Because almost any cheer-up mix of mine is going to have some Oasis in it
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RqU-LYq1kE4 - one of the first bands I got in to was Yellowcard and the Breakfast Club is one of my all time favourite movies, there's no way this wasn't getting added.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=44xirQ55IgA - I'm a Manchester United fan and in November 2008 I did the Old Trafford Tour - they had a huge video wall playing the events of the day of the Champions League final that year, and listening to it just gives me that feeling of being able to take anyone on.
DVD Box-sets
Simply put whenever I've got spare time I've finally got around to watching Season 1 of Smallville, only 9 more to go!
Spending time with friends
Last night I went to see Inception with Elaine and had a great 2 hours forgetting the world. This Friday there's a Rock-Band/Guitar Hero night at mine where I believe my friends Ali, Clare and Paul are coming along and if Rich ever answers any of his texts then it could be 5 of us!
Right - thats me done for now, however I get a feeling there'll be a lot more of these blogs coming along.
Depression
As I said yesterday - I'm in a part of my life where I'd say one of the biggest 'black clouds' has descended on me, many sleepless nights, time spent just feeling utterly helpless and yes a few tears have been shed. After sleeping a grand total of 3 hours last night I took my GP up on the offer of another week off work, even though I should be physically exhausted I'm not, but mentally I am, and in that sort of state I'm not going to be of any use there.
I did make a decision this morning however - I'm going to spend this week doing as many things I find fun as possible, this is probably meaning reading, going to the Gym, hunting down music that makes me smile (or at least realise I'm not on my own in this), catching up on DVD box-sets and spending time with friends, from now on in on this entry at least, I'll focus on all of those.
Recovery
I'm going to split this entry up into each of the bits I mentioned above, and see what we can come up with:
Reading
I've immersed myself in my graphic novels again, as well as reading Tokyo Year Zero by David Peace (he of The Damned United fame), and it has to be said I'm finding it very therapeutic, with normal novels I find it great to just imagine the world the authors created and putting your own face to the characters you're reading about, and I find it a lot easier to forget my troubles when I'm reading a book like that. Graphic Novels-wise well its a lot easier, I may be turning 31 soon but I don't class myself as fully grown up yet, graphic novels are my main link to my childhood when it was all an easier time, at the minute its the Runaways and Scott Pilgrim providing that link, and for that I'm thankful.
Going to the Gym
Any frustrations I have with the world are easily killed by a visit to the gym, get me on the weight machines with my ipod blasting out some angry music and I'm away. I do have a confession to make however, its been a long time since I've been to the gym which for some random bloke in the street is fine but in 6 and a half weeks I'll be entering the Great North Run (sponsor me!), its going to be knackering so I need to get my ass going again, but an hours workout this morning felt great, so I think we'll be back for another go tomorrow!
Hunting down music
Rather than explain why music in general is good I'm going to post a few youtube links followed with comments on why I feel they're helping me, so here goes nothing:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oMLCrzy9TEs - I had a bit of a nasty end to 2007 and the first song in 2008 that really made me smile was this one, and it still does today.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AQHv-fhHq9Y - listen to the comments people are making in the background and then just the general feel of the song, this is the one that makes me realise I'm not alone in all of this, this is helped by the fact I fecking love 30 Secons to Mars
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MHkj804LCl0 - 90's cheese, made awesome by one poker night and singing it loud at 1am with my mate Paul, you can't ask for much more than that.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ic-Na--7_NI - Because almost any cheer-up mix of mine is going to have some Oasis in it
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RqU-LYq1kE4 - one of the first bands I got in to was Yellowcard and the Breakfast Club is one of my all time favourite movies, there's no way this wasn't getting added.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=44xirQ55IgA - I'm a Manchester United fan and in November 2008 I did the Old Trafford Tour - they had a huge video wall playing the events of the day of the Champions League final that year, and listening to it just gives me that feeling of being able to take anyone on.
DVD Box-sets
Simply put whenever I've got spare time I've finally got around to watching Season 1 of Smallville, only 9 more to go!
Spending time with friends
Last night I went to see Inception with Elaine and had a great 2 hours forgetting the world. This Friday there's a Rock-Band/Guitar Hero night at mine where I believe my friends Ali, Clare and Paul are coming along and if Rich ever answers any of his texts then it could be 5 of us!
Right - thats me done for now, however I get a feeling there'll be a lot more of these blogs coming along.
Sunday 8 August 2010
Depression and me
Right, I'm sat here right now, with the computer on my lap, and the Charity Shield on TV in the background.
I've not posted anything in what seems like an age, mainly because my interest in blogging waned very quickly. However here I am on a Sunday afternoon typing away, and why? I hear you ask - because this sort of thing is supposedly very therapeutic for my condition, which you'll all now know what it is by the title of this post, but I'm guessing most of you weren't aware until now.
So to put it simply, I suffer from depression, its a nasty, soul-sucking affliction that can affect anyone at any time, and at times will remain dormant before flaring up again and dragging the person suffering with it back down, Sadly over the past 2-3 weeks its reared its ugly head with me again to the point last weekend where I totaled approximately 10 hours sleep from Friday night to Monday morning due to sitting wide awake in bed feeling upset to the point of tears but with nothing to point out that triggered it all.
This has naturally affected my work in which I never went in last week as it was a struggle to even get out of bed let alone leave the house, however I built up the courage to go to my GP's where its been described as a moderate-high incident and the prescribed treatment? Up my medication from 20mg to 30mg, now I can understand why she did this, I've been very flat at 20mg and although to the outside world I put on a face of happiness and that nothings wrong, deep down inside I knew I was hurting, as I type I know that I'm feeling no better than I did this time last week, I also know that if I rang my GP's office in the morning they'd give me a note to take another week off without an appointment, and although I'm loathe to do that its looking more and more likely due to the fact that I'm still having regular incidents where I zone out completely or just sit there nearly in tears about nothing.
However I have 2 worries about being off sick this week, firstly I went to collect my glasses from Asda the same day I went to see the GP (kill 2 birds with 1 stone and all that), and with Asda being across the road from work someone saw me walking in and we had a conversation, now I bluffed it by saying I had a virus and was off to give my medication a chance to kick in, but if I'm then not back till a week on Monday people are going to think either I'm taking liberties at work or they're going to realize its something more severe going on and start asking questions which I wouldn't want to answer (As it stands only a couple of colleagues and my managers know whats going on, I just find it easier that way). Secondly Elaine is back in Scotland from Tomorrow Morning till Wednesday Evening, and as silly as it sounds my loneliest and most black moments seem to occur in the evening, with 2 nights on my own I fear they'll be even worse.
Onto the reason for posting this blog, is to get my feelings out about how depression affects me and the way I am during these bleak times. There are 2 explanations of what I think depression does to you, well me at least and you may feel its different, but this is how I feel this affliction takes on me.
Firstly there's a feeling that the real me is stuck in a box inside me trying to get out but my condition won't allow me. I know that there's nothing wrong currently, I know that I shouldn't be getting upset at times, but that doesn't stop me going down the road of feeling upset, its almost like most of the time I'm stuck in that box screaming out that everything's ok, but my illness is causing my overall psyche to be that of someone who's going through a hard time.
Secondly its like my condition is a bully ensuring I don't do the things I want. I always remember in Primary School I was playing football with friends and there was a kid came up who wasn't liked by anyone in our group and he asked to play, the other kids told him he couldn't play as the game had already started and we had enough players already, his response? 'If you don't let me play I'm going to bully Christian all through the game.' The kids stood their ground and I spent the rest of the break time being tripped up, punched in the arm and called names, this meant that I pretty much didn't play in that particular game, sure I was on one of the teams, got the ball a couple of times, but I played nowhere near as good as I could have and I feel at times my depression is that bully - it comes in and knocks me for 6 leaving me almost scared to do things I'd want to do, I mean I got invited to go watch the Charity Shield game in town but just couldn't force myself to go out there and face the world again, and I know I'd be there and trying my best to enjoy the event but it'd be nowhere near as enjoyable as normal times I go out.
Right I think I'd better end this here before I start to get myself upset again, however it does feel good to have gotten some of my thoughts out.
I've not posted anything in what seems like an age, mainly because my interest in blogging waned very quickly. However here I am on a Sunday afternoon typing away, and why? I hear you ask - because this sort of thing is supposedly very therapeutic for my condition, which you'll all now know what it is by the title of this post, but I'm guessing most of you weren't aware until now.
So to put it simply, I suffer from depression, its a nasty, soul-sucking affliction that can affect anyone at any time, and at times will remain dormant before flaring up again and dragging the person suffering with it back down, Sadly over the past 2-3 weeks its reared its ugly head with me again to the point last weekend where I totaled approximately 10 hours sleep from Friday night to Monday morning due to sitting wide awake in bed feeling upset to the point of tears but with nothing to point out that triggered it all.
This has naturally affected my work in which I never went in last week as it was a struggle to even get out of bed let alone leave the house, however I built up the courage to go to my GP's where its been described as a moderate-high incident and the prescribed treatment? Up my medication from 20mg to 30mg, now I can understand why she did this, I've been very flat at 20mg and although to the outside world I put on a face of happiness and that nothings wrong, deep down inside I knew I was hurting, as I type I know that I'm feeling no better than I did this time last week, I also know that if I rang my GP's office in the morning they'd give me a note to take another week off without an appointment, and although I'm loathe to do that its looking more and more likely due to the fact that I'm still having regular incidents where I zone out completely or just sit there nearly in tears about nothing.
However I have 2 worries about being off sick this week, firstly I went to collect my glasses from Asda the same day I went to see the GP (kill 2 birds with 1 stone and all that), and with Asda being across the road from work someone saw me walking in and we had a conversation, now I bluffed it by saying I had a virus and was off to give my medication a chance to kick in, but if I'm then not back till a week on Monday people are going to think either I'm taking liberties at work or they're going to realize its something more severe going on and start asking questions which I wouldn't want to answer (As it stands only a couple of colleagues and my managers know whats going on, I just find it easier that way). Secondly Elaine is back in Scotland from Tomorrow Morning till Wednesday Evening, and as silly as it sounds my loneliest and most black moments seem to occur in the evening, with 2 nights on my own I fear they'll be even worse.
Onto the reason for posting this blog, is to get my feelings out about how depression affects me and the way I am during these bleak times. There are 2 explanations of what I think depression does to you, well me at least and you may feel its different, but this is how I feel this affliction takes on me.
Firstly there's a feeling that the real me is stuck in a box inside me trying to get out but my condition won't allow me. I know that there's nothing wrong currently, I know that I shouldn't be getting upset at times, but that doesn't stop me going down the road of feeling upset, its almost like most of the time I'm stuck in that box screaming out that everything's ok, but my illness is causing my overall psyche to be that of someone who's going through a hard time.
Secondly its like my condition is a bully ensuring I don't do the things I want. I always remember in Primary School I was playing football with friends and there was a kid came up who wasn't liked by anyone in our group and he asked to play, the other kids told him he couldn't play as the game had already started and we had enough players already, his response? 'If you don't let me play I'm going to bully Christian all through the game.' The kids stood their ground and I spent the rest of the break time being tripped up, punched in the arm and called names, this meant that I pretty much didn't play in that particular game, sure I was on one of the teams, got the ball a couple of times, but I played nowhere near as good as I could have and I feel at times my depression is that bully - it comes in and knocks me for 6 leaving me almost scared to do things I'd want to do, I mean I got invited to go watch the Charity Shield game in town but just couldn't force myself to go out there and face the world again, and I know I'd be there and trying my best to enjoy the event but it'd be nowhere near as enjoyable as normal times I go out.
Right I think I'd better end this here before I start to get myself upset again, however it does feel good to have gotten some of my thoughts out.
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